Caribana 2009: Big & Beautiful

There really isn’t any other place I’d rather be during the long weekend of August than parading up and down Lakeshore to the sweet sounds of soca and smells of island food. I must say Caribana this year was the best yet for me, and I’ve been going every year since grade six. Actually I missed one a few years ago because I happened to be moving in to my apartment downtown Toronto that weekend. Believe me I wasn’t happy being stuck on the Gardiner sweating in a moving truck witnessing the parade helplessly. Caribana is such an incredible sought out and well organized event year after year. The effort that goes into the design of all the costumes is incomparable to anything else. In fact, they begin to make the costumes for next year right after the weekend ends. What makes it so special is the amount of vibrant cultures which all band together for one massive outdoor party. It’s cool, upbeat, dynamic, courageous, friendly, bold, optimistic, and there’s not one person you can find without a smile on their face all day long. Each year when I go I seem to learn more about my culture and appreciate its diversity and the qualities it instills in me. I wear my colours with pride and will always embrace that part of my culture because it brings so much to my life. Just listening to soca automatically puts me in a better mood. I have my aunt and uncle visiting from Trinidad right now and we’re having a big family get-together this coming weekend. Honestly, knowing that I’m gonna see them and hang out with the rest of my family eating curry and roti is exciting and gives me something to look forward this week for sure.

When I first started going to Caribana I really didn’t appreciate it much to tell you the truth. I mainly went because my parents forced me to. I didn’t really care for steel pan music, calypso and soca (I separate the two because they are different). But as I grew older and begun to appreciate the event for what it is and grow into my own culture and become more aware of how beautiful it is, I loved every second of it. This event has evolved into a yearly ritual between some of my friends and I. We long for this event all summer because of the togetherness it brings for us rain or shine. And for those of you out there who think it’s dangerous and unsafe and this and that, please do me a favor and get over that undeserved stereotype once and for all. Each year the crowds at Caribana are getting more and more diverse. Actually, I couldn’t believe how toned down the parade felt this past weekend. I’m not gonna lie, my fellow Caribbean masqueraders like to party wild so I think the diversity amongst the crowd really provides some balance, which is maybe why it seemed a little less crazy this year…lol! But seriously, people don’t come to this event looking to commit crime and cause harm. For one day everyone comes together to enjoy great people, family, culture, music, and damn good food. If you haven’t checked out a Caribana, I definitely encourage you to experience an incredible culture and history as well.

Live for the Moment

Last weekend a friend from high school passed away unexpectedly. Indeed, this is incredibly sad news and a great loss at such a young age. Kevin was an awesome guy with an infectious smile that would elevate an entire room to a new level. I'm very fortunate I had the chance to know him and my heart goes out to all of his family and friends during this time. Undoubtedly, death makes us all beg the question, “Why does this happen to certain people and not others?". Unfortunately experiencing these circumstances is becoming all too familiar for me. This isn’t the first time I’ve experienced the passing of a friend. In grade 10, the father of my best friend had developed cancer pretty much out of nowhere. There was no real rhyme or reason for why this happened, it just did. I was 15 and this was my first encounter with the end of someone’s life. My friend’s father was a healthy, honourable, hard working, and devoted husband and father. For me growing up, I spent so much time in his home that he became like a second father to me. He’d smarten me up when I got out of line and give me advice like any good father would. I literally used to eat dinner at his home almost every night of the week. Dinners were always a great Italian meal with fresh crusty bread every night. I used to always try and steal the end crust from him all the time, it was his favorite. I remember he used to tell me the best thing about an apple was the whole thing, and at that moment he would eat the core and the stem…classic!

It was tough to see my friend go through this at such a young age. We both couldn’t understand it and articulate why this had to happen to his family. Each day that passed you could see the stress build up in his family as the inevitable became closer. I’ll never forget the last day he was alive. This was the day where a decision had to be made on whether or not to keep my friend's father on life support. When it was finally decided that he had suffered enough I immediately motioned to leave the room so that the family can be together. However, his family asked me to stay and be there with them. I could barely watch my friend in agony as they turned the machine off. I did not know what to think. I couldn’t think anything. I was lost, confused and angry. With death people always say things like “well it was his time to be with God”, but really that’s hard to swallow. Why didn’t God want him to be with his family the rest of his life? Does this make God selfish for wanting him more? These are the sorts of questions that send you off into unchartered territory searching desperately for answers. Death is a very mysterious thing and perhaps something so far removed from us that it was never intended for us to truly understand and reason about. I mean we can always debate about death, but can we ever rationalize it?

Fast forward to when I was 21, a friend of mine from high school got hit by a drunk driver as he was walking across the road. This was shortly after his 21st birthday. 21 years old, like what the ???? I wasn’t even remotely ready to start planning my life at that point. You have so much to look forward to when you’re that young and then it’s all gone in a split second. When this happened, I was at Sheridan College taking everything for granted around me. Now fast forward to August, 2003 and the night of the infamous blackout. A friend of mine was stabbed to death, of which the details I obviously won’t get into because it doesn’t matter. This was very difficult to come to terms with. It’s always harder when this happens to someone you hung out with, laughed with, partied with, grew up with and shared a lot of common friends with. I remember leaving the viewing sitting in the car with my sister, who came to support me. I just sat there thinking, dazed and confused, when all of a sudden I started raging with tears. There’s no explanation for why things like this happen and maybe sometimes having no explanation helps us move on. Why do things like this happen to good people, but life gives back no retribution to the individuals who make a living from malicious behaviour? Perhaps, it’s because they need to stay alive to witness and live through the emotional damage they’ve caused to others. Whatever the answer may be, it teaches you one very important lesson: live for the moment!

Now living for the moment doesn’t equate life with reckless abandon. It doesn’t mean go out and get drunk as often as you can; that’s just living a meaningless life in my opinion and avoidance of a traumatizing experience. You still need to keep your head on your shoulders. For me living for the moment means to do as much as you can today to help yourself and others instead of waiting for tomorrow. Life is too short and the only thing that is certain is uncertainty. Instead of waiting and wondering what could be, get on with it and go after it. Set overzealous goals, gain some new knowledge, dream like crazy, have no regrets, understand your gut, and do things like volunteer in your community. If you want to go back to school to pursue something, then do it. Never think you’re too old, because when is too old really? Don’t just come home from work and get all caught up in routine each and every day. I know it’s hard with families, work and other responsibilities but your life comes down to choice every day and your life can always be changed through the preeminent ability to choose. Learn to let go of worrying about time. Don’t get so hung up on money and material things because they don’t make you who you are, people do! Don’t be so concerned with insignificant things like, “will I ever meet the one for me” or “how am I ever going to pay off this debt” , yada yada yada. I used to say things like this and allow them to bother me and if you think about it, it can be pretty selfish behaviour because it can come at the expense of others (i.e. being moody and a downer around someone you care about). I mainly justify things like that as insignificant because when you’re alive you have the opportunities to take care of business and accomplish things like this. So in a weird way I guess I’m saying be thankful and blessed that you have the opportunity to brush situations such as being in debt and single, knowing that it’s not the end of the world because it isn’t! Lastly, make sure the ones you love most are astonishingly cherished. There’s no greater gift in life than family and great friends. Take the time out to let them know how appreciated they are. Whether this is a simple phone call, text message or email. The little things in life are what I cherish the most and generally make the most impact each day for me. When someone you care about asks for help, reach out with an open heart and generous smile because you can. Live for the moment because you can.

R.I.P. to all the lost ones and bless their families: Always missed, and never forgotten.

My Dog Bailey (aka Marley)

I had an interesting revelation about my dog Bailey on Saturday during his vet visit for annual shots. It was also rather interesting that I found out he was 9 years old, when I thought he was 8 all along. I felt really bad for getting his age mixed up, but somehow I think he forgave me. I asked the vet what's the common lifespan for labs like Bailey, and she told me generally 10-12 years. Then the thought shot to my head, "that leaves me with a few years, possibly one". I said no way man, this dog is living longer than that. The vet also chimed in right after, "well given his amount of energy still, I'd say he'll beat those statistics". At this point Bailey was up on the counter with his two paws beside the vet while she was writing in his chart, very Marley-esque!

But the reality did set in, I don't have much time left with this guy. As sad as it is to think that, I have to try not to because I want to enjoy the rest of my time with him as much as I can. It's healthy to know it's coming at some point, I just hope he lets me know. Again, I really don't foresee him having any problems in the near future, he's just too much of a freakish lab!

Bailey also has a lot of heart and guts in him. When the time comes, he's definitely gonna be a fighter. This dog is tough as nails. I don't know one dog out there that can rip into 12 boxes of chocolate and survive. That happened a few years ago during the holidays. My mom generally piles up tons of chocolates in December from all her patients. We made the mistake of starting to put them under the tree one year with everything else and I came home from work one night to find Bailey on my bed with his heart racing. I immediately took him to this 24 hour emergency hospital for pets. I've never driven so fast in my life. My heart was trembling, I really wasn't sure if he could have survived. Chocolate and onions are like poison to dogs. I had to leave him overnight there and I don't think I slept a wink that night. Thankfully, by the grace of God, he made it! But really, was I surprised? We're talking about a dog that eats dry wall here and at one point in his life digested a zip lock bag!

I've started to slowly see the changes in his age and demeanor over the past year. While his energy stays at an all time high, there's subtle changes that signal he's entering senior citizen territory. Even when Bailey eats now he no longer inhales his food in under two minutes flat. He actually takes his time now. Maybe he's finally realized the true comfort in enjoying your food for what it's worth. Could he be maturing? And for all the antics and shenanigans Bailey has mastered over the years, they don't come near to overshadowing the love he's given this family. To be fair Bailey had a traumatizing childhood just like myself. Everything I went through Bailey was there for. I remember coming home looking for him one day to have my father say he let him out the front door to "teach" me a lesson. My mom, who left an office full of patients to help me find him, and I furiously put up posters all over the neighborhood thinking he was lost. He was gone for like a week. All this time, my father had him in a kennel....that asshole. How do you do that to a dog and your family? It's beyond me to comprehend. Bailey was also my saving grace a lot of the time when my parents got divorced during my first year of university. When things weren't looking up for me it was always great to come home to his wagging tail signifying that happiness is capable every day no matter what.

It's really amazing how a dog can do so much for your life without saying a word to you. They provide you with unconditional love for the exchange of pets and attention. It's certainly hard to imagine having another dog after Bailey. I'm such a dog person and always will be, but it's a weird feeling to know that the dog which has been by your side for the past 9 years (see I got it right) will eventually go away. And I will never say that I can replace Bailey with another dog because that's impossible. Bailey is definitely one of a kind and has his own place in Labrador history!

My Exercise Rant

Oh did I ever need a trip to the gym after this weekend. My weekend wasn’t very healthy because it consisted of mainly beer and food wherever you can get it. I really felt like I hit a wall Tuesday morning when I got up for work and I hate that feeling. What’s even worse is that it lingered into today. My job requires quick intuition and alertness, which makes regular exercise all the more important for success in my career. But exercise isn’t just important for me with regards to my career. Exercise has been very important going back to just after high school. I can say it was important during high school but it wasn’t something I truly valued and stayed committed to, so I’d be lying. Exercise is something I value as an important part of my life because of the intangibles it provides me with. The major benefits include positive energy, focus, discipline and determination. If you have positive energy you’re better suited to help yourself and others. Mastering the art of focus helps keep your eye on the prize at all times, which means achieving GOALS! Discipline and determination kind of go hand in hand in my opinion. Discipline is a tool you learn through working out, just like playing sports as well, which really serves to help you understand how to prioritize things in life I find. Once you get in a groove with working out through a disciplined approach, there’s no way you can’t feel determined to keep it rolling. Determination in and of itself is probably the greatest characteristic any individual can possess to help guide them through anything in life. Determination is even more recognizable and relevant once the hard work produces the achievement of a goal. You can be the smartest person out there, but if you have no drive you’re not going anywhere. Staying in shape and being physically fit is also very important to me; I really don’t want to be that 40 year old with a beer gut! I don’t know it may seem shallow, but looking my best is important for me. But at the end of the day I work out for those four things (positive energy, focus, discipline and determination) with which I utilize in other areas of my life.

I find the gym is also a very good tool for stress management. It’s so opportune to channel out your negative energy and bring together a balance between your work and personal life. You never want to bring any unnecessary stress into your home life. Trust me I saw that all too much growing up. If only my father had half the brain I have. But anyways, I digress. The last thing anyone wants to hear when you get home, whether it is your family or significant other, is “I’m sooooo tired” or “I’ve had such a shitty day”. Not that there’s anything wrong with saying how you feel, there isn’t at all. But those statements really carry with them negative connotations in the sense that they immediately create negative energy towards someone else. So I just try my best to avoid that. In a sense if I try to avoid me feeling like that as much as possible, then it allows me to be there for someone else who’s in that situation. But if the two of you are in that situation then it kind of sucks and you both feel bad.

I got into a really good groove working out just before heading to Quebec for the weekend, and then Thursday to Monday was just a complete write off….for good reason of course! However, I’m not a gym rat by far. I like to go at least 3-4 days a week, but I do indulge in anything whenever I want. There’s really nothing more I like than a big fat juicy burger, or a medium-rare rib-eye steak, or creamy mashed potatoes…you get the picture. I just couldn't imagine living life without delicious things like that and I know I’ll always be like that. If you put the time and dedication into living a healthy lifestyle it shouldn't matter when you eat something of decadence. As long as your daily diet doesn’t turn into grease then your good. I could never be a calorie watcher, but I can certainly control my eating habits on a regular basis to ensure I’m getting what I need for a healthy life. Then if I want to indulge on the weekend or whenever, so be it. Well, time to throw on my ipod and walk crazy Bailey.

Back from An Incredible Weekend

This past weekend I had the pleasure of spending it in beautiful Quebec. Two very dear friends of mine, Ben and Alli, tied the knot this weekend. I’ve known Ben and Alli since my second year of university and they’ve been one of my very best set of friends ever since. It was a big honour for me to be a part of their wedding party and participate in all the events leading up to their big day. I’m extremely proud of these two individuals for coming a long way and providing a true example of what love is, along with a blueprint for it. It didn’t take too long before it became obvious that they were it for each other. I can still remember all the times Ben and I would be watching a game on TV and it always seemed like the phone was synchronized to ring at the same moment each time. It would ring and Ben would motion with his finger “I’ll be right back”. Every single time he would never talk with Alli in front of me. He would always go upstairs to give her his undivided attention and that’s why they work so well together. They’re just always there 110% for each other, and I’m extremely happy for them. Sooooo, when's the baby coming?

How the trip started to Montreal for me was actually hilarious in hindsight. At the time, I was thinking “Mike you idiot”. So I wake up Thursday morning and my outlook reminder pops up “Ben & Alli’s Wedding--> Montreal”. I was like, it’s not this weekend it’s next weekend. I was extremely sure of it for some reason. So I go to work last Thursday thinking I’m gonna have an awesome weekend in one week. I had always planned to drive up with my friend Laura (who also was in the wedding party). So Laura calls me at work at around 2:30 telling me to be at her place for 7:30. So of course I was confused as hell based on my own cognition. I was like “Why the heck do you want to hang out tonight, I’m gonna see you all next weekend”. Needless to say I almost shit myself as I frantically prepared to tie any necessary loose ends at work and mention “Oh by the way I need Friday and Monday off, I’m in a wedding party….in Quebec…and I’m getting fitted tomorrow for my tux”. Lucky for me I work at a really awesome and flexible organization and have a solid team to fall back on. They laughed pretty hard at me and deservedly so. But as Ben so cleverly snuck in during his speech, even though I got the dates mixed up I came through in the end as I always do for my friends!

I’ve never been in a wedding party before, so this was my first time and such a great experience. The groomsman consisted of Alli’s two brothers Jordan and Adam; our friends from UTM, Amir, Graham and myself; and the Rochester boys consisting of Zach, Kyle and Mike. Other guys who were also a big part of the wedding and celebration were Ethan (UTM), Dave (UTM), Mike (Rochester) and Sam (Rochester). With three Mike’s this weekend sometimes it got confusing, which is why we referred to last names often. Let me tell you I had the time of my life with all these guys this weekend. It was great for the UTM crew because we all haven’t hung out in one spot together in a long time. It was great for Ben because he got his boys from Rochester and UTM to unite! Sometimes with large groups like that you might worry about personalities clashing, but this wasn’t the case at all. Ben’s boys from Rochester are such stand-up guys and we all got along so well. I’ve hung out with Zach and Kyle once before; Kyle at UTM and Zach up in Montreal last October for Ben and Alli’s engagement party. Kyle and I hit it off to the point were he was finishing my thoughts at times. I know, it was kind of romantic. It didn’t hurt that I was his constant source of updated Pittsburgh Pirate scores all weekend via the good old iPhone. We all sort of joked at the end of the weekend on Monday saying that Ben is no longer needed as the middle man because we’re all friends now.

I’m really hoping that not a lot of time elapses until the next time we all get together, which definitely includes Rochester. I’m quite intrigued to make a trip down there to eat something called the “garbage plate”. Apparently this is a big plate of fries and gravy with everything else known to mankind on it. I’m sure it’s a heart attack on a plate, but it must be had! My friends from UTM (groomsman and bridesmaids) have had such a profound impact in my life during and post university days. You really don’t meet people like that too often and I really cherish the friendships I’ve forged with them over the years. I eagerly look forward to moving ahead in life with all these individuals close by and sharing my growth with them and taking part in theirs as well.

Keeping the Family Theme Rolling

If you read my last blog you might have inferred that my sister is an important figure in my life. I've always wanted a little brother or sister to grow up with. But I see the benefits of being the younger one and having someone to look up to. When you think about it, it's a lot of responsibility for the older sibling. Plus they go through everything, so they can teach you how to do things better or avoid certain things. To be perfectly honest, my sister makes it look easy too. No matter what, on the outside she always seems calm and has it together. She may not agree completely with that but that's what it looks like to others. She could be having the shitiest day, but won't let it concern her interactions with others. I was thinking about her demeanour today, which pretty much prompted me to write this and show the blogging world how proud I am of her! When I think about the kind of person I always want to be remembered by and how I want to continue to carry out my life, its like her. I always want to be that person that has time for others no matter what. I always want to have balance in my life and never fear the unknown. Goals and challenges are huge for me, of which the importance my sister instilled in me. She bought me that 'Challenges' picture frame that you see in almost every office when I was in high school. I still hang that up in my room/basement (thank God that's changing soon!). She taught me never to give up, always stay focused, and the importance of family. I think one of her finest quotes, which I'm paraphrasing, is that when you're having a bad day instead of feeling sorry for yourself, get your head out of your ass and do something for someone else. You should try it; not that I'm suggesting you need to. But the next time you have a bad day, whether it be at work or at home, do something nice for someone else and you'll feel instantly better. This is what she's all about, helping others relentlessly. As I look back on my life and accomplishments she's had a steadfast influence in most of them. Very rarely do I omit seeking out her advice on things. I like having autonomy in my decisions, but her opinion is always sought after because it's so valuable to me. Unless she's having one of her Oprah days, then I stay away...lol! It's also been pretty cool to take a step back and analyze how our relationship has evolved over the years. We've been through a tremendous amount together and we were always a team. We fought like crazy when we were little, but when we got older and times got tough we always had each other's backs no matter what. She's not only my sister but she's one of my very best friends whom I can tell anything. That's the kind of a brother-sister relationship that's hard to get to for a lot of people. It's pretty cool when you're there because your just friends plan and simple, and its fun.

This Time Around

I just got back from a day at Marineland with the family. We went there on our quest to celebrate Father's day for my brother-in-law and his father. Yeah I wish I could say my father too, but unfortunately not. Every Father's Day is usually an emotional day for me. I've learned a large part of why it's emotional is because I allow it to be. But not this time around. For once I didn't think about my 'father' and feel guilty for not being around him. See every year I think about the fact that I have no clue where he even lives, and whether or not I'm a bad person for not giving him a chance. I think about if I was in his shoes what would I want my son to feel like and react like. I think about our time on earth comes once and sometimes people deserve a second or maybe even a third chance. And then for a split-second I forget about my childhood and early teenage years and I allow myself to get emotionally attached to my father's strength. His strength is making others feel weaker then they really are.

But being apprehended by my father's strength didn't happen to me today. I remembered that, when I considered him dead anyways, he had about 23 years to be a father to me. I remembered the fact that he never taught me how to ride a bike, tie my shoes or tie a tie. I remembered that he never saw me graduate university. I also remembered how he told me I would never amount to anything; this was quite a daily occurrence. I also remembered the last words I ever spoke to him...'fuck you'. I remembered bringing home a 90% on a math test in grade 9 and him asking me where the other 10% was. I remembered all the horrible things I heard him say and how he treated my mom and sister, all at a time when the most stressful thing in my life should have been figuring out how much TV I was gonna watch in one day. I remembered that he had all the chances in the world to make things right and still couldn't. I understand that it isn't a child's responsibility to love and care for themselves. This time I didn't allow myself to fall prey to my father's strength. I detached myself and I did it with my family.

I had a really good day today and I'm just glad that my family didn't have to notice anything bothering me inside for once. When I play with my little nephew and chase him around all over the place I can't even imagine trying to screw something up for someone so special. Truth is the birth of my nephew was a real blessing in my life. Everything changed for me the minute he was born. I had even more to live for now. I had another person in my life to be a role model for and teach things. He's really been like a therapist for me without saying a word at all. I remember when he turned one, I wrote him out a letter for his birthday card indicating how much I love him. I told my sister to read it to him when he gets a bit older. This little child has taught me a lot and helped me understand things that an undergrad degree couldn't teach me...insane eh! I kind of feel bad every time I'm around him because I feel like I'm hogging him from others...haha! It's just because I want to spend as much time as I can with him, especially at this age....it's so much fun. I figure I don't see him day-to-day so when I do see him I like to spoil him with attention. Children are the most significant and precious beings in the world and to rob them of their childhood and a proper upbringing is just wrong. Personally, I can't wait until I'm a father. I can't wait to teach my children all the things I wasn't taught. I'll admit I do want to have a little boy pretty badly. If I do get blessed with a little boy, it would be my honour to raise him into a man. Of course, having a little princess would be pretty cool too.