This Time Around

I just got back from a day at Marineland with the family. We went there on our quest to celebrate Father's day for my brother-in-law and his father. Yeah I wish I could say my father too, but unfortunately not. Every Father's Day is usually an emotional day for me. I've learned a large part of why it's emotional is because I allow it to be. But not this time around. For once I didn't think about my 'father' and feel guilty for not being around him. See every year I think about the fact that I have no clue where he even lives, and whether or not I'm a bad person for not giving him a chance. I think about if I was in his shoes what would I want my son to feel like and react like. I think about our time on earth comes once and sometimes people deserve a second or maybe even a third chance. And then for a split-second I forget about my childhood and early teenage years and I allow myself to get emotionally attached to my father's strength. His strength is making others feel weaker then they really are.

But being apprehended by my father's strength didn't happen to me today. I remembered that, when I considered him dead anyways, he had about 23 years to be a father to me. I remembered the fact that he never taught me how to ride a bike, tie my shoes or tie a tie. I remembered that he never saw me graduate university. I also remembered how he told me I would never amount to anything; this was quite a daily occurrence. I also remembered the last words I ever spoke to him...'fuck you'. I remembered bringing home a 90% on a math test in grade 9 and him asking me where the other 10% was. I remembered all the horrible things I heard him say and how he treated my mom and sister, all at a time when the most stressful thing in my life should have been figuring out how much TV I was gonna watch in one day. I remembered that he had all the chances in the world to make things right and still couldn't. I understand that it isn't a child's responsibility to love and care for themselves. This time I didn't allow myself to fall prey to my father's strength. I detached myself and I did it with my family.

I had a really good day today and I'm just glad that my family didn't have to notice anything bothering me inside for once. When I play with my little nephew and chase him around all over the place I can't even imagine trying to screw something up for someone so special. Truth is the birth of my nephew was a real blessing in my life. Everything changed for me the minute he was born. I had even more to live for now. I had another person in my life to be a role model for and teach things. He's really been like a therapist for me without saying a word at all. I remember when he turned one, I wrote him out a letter for his birthday card indicating how much I love him. I told my sister to read it to him when he gets a bit older. This little child has taught me a lot and helped me understand things that an undergrad degree couldn't teach me...insane eh! I kind of feel bad every time I'm around him because I feel like I'm hogging him from others...haha! It's just because I want to spend as much time as I can with him, especially at this age....it's so much fun. I figure I don't see him day-to-day so when I do see him I like to spoil him with attention. Children are the most significant and precious beings in the world and to rob them of their childhood and a proper upbringing is just wrong. Personally, I can't wait until I'm a father. I can't wait to teach my children all the things I wasn't taught. I'll admit I do want to have a little boy pretty badly. If I do get blessed with a little boy, it would be my honour to raise him into a man. Of course, having a little princess would be pretty cool too.